Monday, September 08, 2008

Are you lonesome tonight?

Today was one of those days that I did something I had often visualized myself doing, but had been avoiding for years. I finally watched a movie at a multiplex ALONE! It is not a big deal and most people would roll their eyes at the glorification of this. For me, it was a huge kick! I had associated a sort of phobia with it, so even though I had trekked alone, shopped alone, eaten out alone, lived alone, danced alone, attended concerts alone, even walked around new cities alone- this was my first lonesome movie!
I analysed and broke the fear down into 2 components:
I don’t look at watching a movie as an activity; it’s quite a passive way to spend time! So, in my analyse-every-moment value system, I have low respect for it. Of course, there are some movies that make you think so much that you take a part of them away with you when you walk out of the theatre, such as Kung Fu Panda, but such movies are so rare that if you have movie-loving friends, you would end up watching such movies with them! Whenever I decide to go for a movie, I game myself into believing that “going for the movie” is a social event, i.e. a mere excuse to spend time with friends, where you don’t necessarily have to make conversation!
The bigger component was, of course, living to see the day when I did not have a friend to watch a movie with me! And, well today was the day- I wanted to watch Wall-E and I did not have any friends to join me! On mentioning to Barood, he quickly pointed out that it is lack of self-confidence! Ouch! That pinched hard. Barood has an uncanny ability to matter-of-factly make observations about people that they hate to admit. Sometimes, he is kind enough to sweeten his words, and this was clearly not one of those rare occasions!
Lack of self-confidence is not something I would, per se, find difficult to admit! I have, at times, battled with grave self-doubts about my capability to excel. Every time I have thrown myself into a professional challenge, it has been a bumpy ride for my self-esteem! But, this was not about Vineeta, the entrepreneur or the manager or the engineer! It was totally about my personal life- and I don’t remember the last time I had major self-doubts in that regard- probably in 10th grade when I was not propositioned on Valentine’s Day (an important metrics of self-worth for me then)!
So, after I had a nice time watching this movie all by myself, I was damn relieved! Not because this was a liberating experience on its own, but because it drove me right into my fear, and left me no option but to address it! It got me thinking about all those relationships I am still holding on to not for their own sake, but because they represent some kind of security that I will never have to be lonely! It got me thinking about the strong need I have to be liked by people and how it has often dented my decision making process. It got me thinking about my constant drive to grow as a person, because I fear being unpopular if I’m not smart or interesting enough. It got me thinking about the constant reassurance that I need from myself and others that I am not a socially unwanted person!
I chose to live alone in this city because I never wanted to voice such fears even to myself. But, like most other fears, admitting to myself that they exist has made it easier for me to tackle them! At least that's what I believe! I will only know when I am able to catch myself swinging towards a decision not because it’s right, but because it’ll make me more popular. I will only know when I don't succumb to the mistake of measuring my self-worth by the number of people who care about me, and most importantly. And, most importantly, I will know when I am able to guiltlessly walk out of those relationships that do not make me happy!

17 comments:

  1. I had caught you lot of time taking those decisions :D..thts y I didnt talk to u?? Now since u have ( sudhar gayi ho) lets do some chatting.

    And I knew u gonna blog today but yeah, this blog was damn serious and I am scared.

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  3. Anyways, You should keep posting and you should know, there is always one person who gonna read ur blogs :).

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  4. Hey, gud one Vinee, Cud not have agreed more :)..

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  5. Indeed Interesting....Keep fighting your phobias and we get to read good Blogs :)

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  6. Similar thoughts I had mentioned about U in an e-mail dated 20-Aug-2008(ur gmail i.d,before your blog published) was unfortunately not read.

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  7. i love the way you write so lucidly

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  8. Thought provoking on a very personal note.

    After going through a alpha-male-is-cool phase in life where I thought that depending on other people is uncool, I slowly moved into a territory where I thought that it is quite charming to be able to entertain myself, all by myself. It could just be growing cynicism with age, but in a live by the minute world, people have become time-expensive attachments.

    I have watched movies all by myself in cinema, but only when I couldn't read all by myself. Just the irony of sitting in a place full of action, like cinema, and enjoying the eternal bliss of solitude, has its own poetic beauty.

    --
    Nalla

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  9. u shud blog more often!

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  10. i think u shud be posting frequently

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  11. its awesome.............

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  12. hey,nice post.The honesty,the 'analysed and broke the fear down', watching a movie alone,Wall-E & finally 'analyse-every-moment value system' (I do that often,actually too much!)struck a chord (perhaps deja-vu! :-))
    As your friends said in their comments,keep writing.
    -Saurabh
    ps-Came onto your blog from your linkedin profile(fellow 'digital industry guy')nice work your team is doing .

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  13. Stumbled at this page because of the name of your blog. It was a pleasant surprise. I always felt that you were capable of deep thinking and today your posts corroborate my guess nicely. You write well. Keep it up. Why don't you include the gadget to follow your blog so that we can stay updated about your new posts? Anyway WallE is a wonderful movie. One doesn't need company to watch such a fabulous movie. With best wishes.

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  14. Wall-E is one of the best work of story telling human emotions (also machine emotions :-)).
    I think every1 need to spend some lonely moments by themselves knowingly to understand and comprehend the true meaning of relationships.
    Nice post.

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  15. Hi Ma'am, Commendable Post!
    It's my first reading of your blog. Definitely being alone is one of the different parts of life story. One can get answers to lots of difficult questions in life, which he/she has never thought of.
    Regards,
    Proton Umesh C.Sharma

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  16. Hi Ma'am, Commendable Post!
    It's my first reading of your blog. Definitely being alone is one of the different parts of life story. One can get answers to lots of difficult questions in life, which he/she has never thought of.
    Regards,
    Proton Umesh C.Sharma

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  17. Gotta admit... i've this fear since ages of doing stuff alone.. It kinda paralyzes me.. thanks for the post.. gives a heads up on beating the shit out of this fear..

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